The sins of the father

Failure is the best teacher

"The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents."

- Carl Jung

Every now and again I intersperse my writings on financial markets and economic matters with something that approaches our common humanity from another angle. This is one of those, and I write this one with love for my children.

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Falling short

The title to this article references a biblical phrase: “the sins of the father”. There are a couple of places in the book of Exodus in the Old Testament of the Bible that essentially say that the consequences of one generation’s sin or guilt would be borne by their children to the 3rd or 4th generation. That’s some serious shit!

These days, the word “sin” carries connotations ascribed it by Christian tradition where a “sinner” has become synonymous to an “evildoer”. The etymology of the word “sin” traces back to simply meaning “falling short of a target” or “missing the mark”. To me, it is a word that suggests flaws rather than active intent to be or do bad.

I have spent a lifetime very much aware of my flaws and, despite my many efforts at improvement, I continue to find more of them as I mature.

I have come to hold the view hinted at by the Carl Jung quote at the top of this post rather than any literal translation of the biblical text. That is to say, the flaws of the father (or any parent) have an impact on your own children that taints them, which has a knock-on impact to their children and so forth.

I didn’t like my childhood. I vowed to myself that I would not allow what I experienced to flow on to my children - like noise cancelling headphones, I wanted to neutralize the influence. I failed. Oh, I was able to break the cycle of the specific things I experienced without also introducing the reactive opposite to my children, but I failed in many other ways. But because this was my first time having a crack at life, I was still learning as I went (still am), and I didn’t know enough (still don’t). I learned the best stuff only latterly. That’s partly why I am writing this. Where is the intergenerational wisdom? Most people don’t try and keep track of the wisdom they accumulate let alone pass it on. I want to change that for my children. I don’t know how to go about communicating it (that’s one of my flaws), so I’m writing it down because that helps me pull my thoughts together.

No more Mr. Nice Guy

I have always been an easygoing person, even as a child. I was adaptive and changed to suit other people. I was also generous. These were my default settings from birth. These were my flaws. On the surface, they appear to be desirable traits. However, we all have a path to walk. For some people, their path will lead them to spending a lifetime trying to develop these very traits. For me, I’m on a path that requires I develop my individuality, and that has proved a real challenge for someone who has spent a lifetime giving themselves away. For most, it is entirely natural to think about themselves first and have a strong sense of self. For me, it felt selfish. I only developed this after the age of 50 when I finally got so tired, so frustrated, that I complained (to myself, in my head), “Why doesn’t anyone think about me?! Why doesn’t anyone ask what I want?!”, at which point my own consciousness interrupted and asked me, “What DO you want?” I was startled at this response and as I started to reply to this question, it hit me, I didn’t know the answer to it. I had nothing. I realized that I had never thought about myself. I had never asked that of myself. I had always been thinking of how I could help others and what I could do for them. This led me to realize that there was a responsibility for me to think about myself and that it was a healthy thing for an individual to do, and only we individually can do it. I lacked balance. Damn it! My children are adults now, so my lack of balance has already had its impact on them. Fuck! … and sorry. However, they - my children - are more balanced than I ever was, are intelligent, and are still young enough to adapt, plus they don’t yet have children to pass my flaws onto.

As a child, I did what my parents wanted. In work, I gave more than I was paid for. In church, I gave more than I received. In marriage, I gave myself to fulfilling my wife’s dreams. In the end, I gave unto my own destruction (seriously, I’m talking the destruction of my psyche - it happened).

In every sphere, the other parties were only too happy to make the most of my free gift. Who doesn’t like a freebie? But I had to stop. I had to begin building my own sense of self. I had to bring balance to my life.

I had worked jobs I hated, I had given uncounted hours in service, I had adopted a lifestyle for which I was unsuited, all for other people. I was empty. I had to change. I didn’t know where I was going to start.

Around this time, I had been recently laid off from a dysfunctional business that, like all corporates, had a toxic culture (it’s fine if your a political type of person and enjoy the playing of people). I simply decided to start doing things that I enjoyed and damn the consequences. I went home and instead of looking for a new corporate job, I started developing some of the work I post on this site - because I was sure there was a better way than the standard corporate approach. And I’m almost there .… right on the cusp of turning it into a tangible reality.

The hardest part was realizing that the dreams of my wife were not my dreams. That caused some hurt for a few years. As I became more secure in who I truly am, I know that I appeared hard and inflexible, but I was just finally taking the space for myself that every living thing needs, I wasn’t trying to be mean. I had gained substance and people weren’t used to that. I did not and do not stand against my wife’s dreams, I simply cannot go about it in the common manner.

Then I discovered that I was on the autism spectrum. What an eye opener! Looking back, it all finally made sense. I don’t fit in this world. I never did. This world doesn’t like difference and makes no room for it.

I was ill-suited for any type of corporate environment because they are personality-centric cultures in which you have to be the “right sort”. I was ill-suited to be a great husband or father because I lack access to the relational and emotional part of my brain. I tried my best, but I failed. I’m flawed. Yet, I continue to grow, pulling together all my experience and learning and adapting these things for optimal application in my life, such as it is.

Can I get that to go?

Through all these trials and tribulations, here’s some of the ‘broad brush’ takeaways I’ve learned about life so far:

• You have to develop the opposite of your natural tendencies to gain balance and maturity;

  • you grow from the roots, but you’re ever reaching to the sky;

• It is a lifelong process, so keep going;

  • there will be painful transitions and the only way forward is to pass through them;

• All cultures project unwritten values upon its citizenry that are unconsciously absorbed and they demand conformity. Be intentional about finding and developing your own values and not blindly adopting society’s (e.g. homeownership is a cultural expectation, but it can lock you into 9-to-5 misery for decades in service of debt and the endless hours and cost of maintenance plus taxes for many decades more. I want the world to be my home [travel] and not a home to be my world);

• Find your own joy(s), specifically the essence of that joy (e.g. I thought I loved riding motorcycles, but it’s actually freedom that I enjoy);

  • By joy, I mean at a deep level - something that speaks to you, moves you, or aligns with you - not the fleeting emotion of happiness;

• Our culture talks about “setting boundaries”, but things you resist gain strength (e.g. muscles gain strength through weight resistance). I’ve found that ignoring those things and instead, just doing the things you want to grow works rather than trying to stop the things you want to wither.

• Gain skills first, a career second …. and cash flow is the greatest asset;

• Use your youth to explore life. Try stuff and you’ll refine what you want to do (and don’t want to do). It’s OK to not know what you want at the beginning, you uncover this as you go …. so go.

  • You’re a sculptor that carves a life out of a block of stone as much as a gardener that grows a healthy tree from a seed;

• You can live a surprisingly comfortable existence on less income when you follow your joy because you gain meaning and purpose, and even fulfillment, doing what you love. By contrast, conforming to societal expectations in a manner that eats away at your authentic being will result in escapist behavior (e.g. consumerism) as you need compensations (often expensive) to help you cope with an unfulfilling life;

  • Have you noticed how celebrity culture in our society elevates movie stars, musicians, and athletes? That’s our cultural need to escape from unfulfilling lives on display - entertain us, distract us!

• Meaning is what I get from life (e.g. I get meaning from the work I do in seeking to understand human behavior in the realm of economics and financial markets);

• Purpose is what I give my life for - the drive that keeps me going (e.g. for me it is using the work I have developed to ultimately benefit my children … and theirs);

• Fulfillment is the outcome of meaning and purpose being in alignment.

Your journey will be different from mine, but just as challenging in its own way. It’s hard work. I wish you all the best. I hope you find fulfillment.

May you live the life you want and live it to the fullest. I hope you incarnate the ultimate expression of your being.